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20.

there's still so much apology that I haven't told,
so much guilt that I deeply keep,
towards people I really don't want to lose,
towards them I really love and am grateful for having (or maybe ever had?)

there's still so much gratitude for meeting and knowing them that I have not showed ,
so much care and concern about them that I wrongfully expressed or whose ways to be manifested into behavior I foolishly chose.

those people may be still around,
or having the good times and conversations with me,
but sometimes I wonder whether I've done my best for them,
or whether I've showed my love along right,
or whether I'm still important to them,
or whether I've just lost them emotionally,
or whether there's any other trust left towards me.

I just try to always be and do the best for every single person I love,
when in the fact the idea is impossible, and it has always been.
I'm just so much far from the definition of perfection---even just of goodness--As a friend. As a sister. As a daughter. As a woman.
and As His creature.

And this year,
this past age,
my nineteenth
is where I experienced and learned this feeling of sorry,
this hollow in the heart that caused by those sorrow I created while hurting them,
this regret for harming my own self and worth.

And here it come,
my twentieth
where I hope every step that I mistakenly took last year won't ever happen again,
where I hope every powerlessness for making the situation better that I felt won't ever come to me again,
or at least when it sometimes come in the future, I won't have any--even just a little of--thought for quitting,
where I hope I will recognize and act many better ways for caring, for showing them that I never mean to hurt or leave them.

And to You,
my only one source of strength,
the biggest guilt, I acknowledge it is towards you...
And I am sorry, I have not sincerely done what I should do.
Sorry, for still questioning.
May every step of mine to the right path is eased and strengthened.

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